A friend told me about a disagreement she had with her next-door neighbour.
Because of a misunderstanding, when they passed on the street and my buddy said hello and reached out to shake his hand, he withdrew his hand, avoided eye contact, murmured a monotone "hi," and hurriedly moved past her.
We chatted about the incident for a time, contemplating ideas to assist her deal with this unexpected setback, but I eventually left her to her own devices to consider the situation.
One of the most difficult conflicts to deal with is a surprise attack. It comes as a rude awakening. After your heartbeat returns to normal, it's common to blame the other person or yourself and to become caught up in a never-ending mental debate over who's to blame and what to do next.
Whatever the source, a difficult conflict can take time to resolve and can interrupt our lives while it does so. We lose our equilibrium and frequently operate on half-power, with the other half of our brains working nonstop to assign blame and (as much as possible) defend our own behaviour. If it's upsetting enough, we lose focus at work and at home, struggle to make even routine decisions, and spend sleepless nights debating how to deal with it. It's difficult to commit fully to something until it's resolved.
She felt as though she had been punched in the gut. She walked back to her house, stunned, unsure of what had just transpired. It was even more upsetting since she had communicated with this man about the confusion that had sparked the conflict in the first place, and she had assumed that he had grasped her point of view. She wanted to know what went wrong, but he made it apparent that he didn't want to talk about it.
I was moved by my friend's plight. I've been there, and it's not a good time. One of the ways I attempted to assist her was to listen when she needed to speak, and I advised her to take care of herself as she worked through the situation. Conflict is difficult on the body, mind, and spirit, but there are ways that can help us maintain perspective and work toward a healthy settlement.
• Take a deep breath and locate your centre. Strong emotions such as feelings of unworthiness, rage, despair, and frustration might be unbalanced by a disagreement. Instead of avoiding these feelings, use them as guidance. Appreciate and watch as if you were watching a play. This emotional energy has a lot of power, and as you breathe and watch, you'll figure out how to use it in a way that serves your best interests.
• Consider the big picture. It's all too easy to get caught up in the chaos of the conflict and forget that tomorrow will come. Close your eyes for a few moments and imagine yourself in the future, the issue resolved. Consider how you'll feel once the situation is solved. What do you want your relationship to look like in a month, a year? Meanwhile, eat healthily, go to bed at a normal time, laugh, and try to forget about the situation once in a while. This isn't simple, but it gets the job done. Allow your inner wisdom to function in the background while you go about your daily activities.
• Reframe the situation. Take a break from the conflict for a moment. Rather than rejecting, consider whether there is a gift here - an opportunity to consider the situation in a new light or to try out a new action. Step into the shoes of the other person to acknowledge them. Why are they acting in this manner? What are they looking for? What would you think if you were in their shoes?
• Get some practice in. Consider all of the conceivable reactions to this situation and put them to the test. Collaborate with a friend to role-play scenarios you'd never consider because they're so different from your typical persona. Have fun putting your untapped selves to the test.
• Make a list of your blessings. Take note of the positive aspects in your life. Develop a sense of amazement and thankfulness.
My buddy decided to write a letter to her neighbour after considering several choices. She didn't try to excuse her own behaviour. Instead, she acknowledged his feelings and offered to discuss the problem with him. They began to converse and, over time, were good neighbours once more.
Here are some questions to help you practice effective dispute resolution:
1. What happens if you're caught off guard by a conflict?
2. How do you normally act, and how does it differ from what you want to do?
3. Consider the last time you were subjected to a "surprise attack." How did you deal with it? What would you have done differently if you could go back in time? What are your plans for the future?
Conflict may make us lose sight of the larger picture — of what we really want in life, why we're here, and what matters — or make us see it more clearly. "Our quality of life rests not on what happens to us, but on what we do with what occurs to us," author Thomas Crum writes in "The Magic of Conflict." Doesn't this ring true to you? The key to unlocking our power is to make it operational.